Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
