I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im holly from the hills drunk
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
