I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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