Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
