Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Everyone says I win the strip club
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
