she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
