I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
