i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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