4 words: hood of his car
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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