You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
