i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize