OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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