i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
