remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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