Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
