conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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