I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
