Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
