I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
