He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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