Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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