I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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