Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
