So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
