you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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