I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
