I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
