Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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