im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
