Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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