Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
