Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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