How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
