What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize