My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
