I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
