Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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