if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize