I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
