I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
