This is not my ceiling
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
