she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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