I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
