Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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