I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
