when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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