I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
