i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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