The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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