I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
