What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
