when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
