The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
