I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
