Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
