my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
