then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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