you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
