The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
